Why and most importantly Why?
I am.
Im 21 years old, I've been told that I am mature for my little 21 years of life experience, but I'd like to think I had no other option, I had to grow up pretty fast. My Name is lets say Francesca, you can call me Francesca, and to my clients.. they even have the choice to pick out anything too. Well back to myself.
I live Uptown, in Manhattan. I moved to New York very recently, not too recently but It certainly feels like I have lived here for a long time, knowing a lot. Maybe more than I should for my 21 years, a lot of scandals, stories and most of all the bitter truth. For now I have turned into a cynic knowing this truth, which I will reveal later in this same post. So in a way, you can even call me a cynic.
I worked as a personal assistant for a young entrepreneur until he tried to make sexual advances at me, I badly wanted to quit, not being the person to deal with that kind of behavior with anyone, but I needed the job, I had to move out of the neighborhood I lived in, and find a new apartment, a life to keep up with. I know how shallow it sounds, to this day, but I had to live a New York life, or else my dreams would have been a waste since i was a 13 year old little girl, who dreamed big to one day live in the big city and become somebody, and most importantly fall in love In the City. I am far from it, from falling in love yes, but I have become someone. After quitting the job, I wanted to be wanted in a smimilar way, but not being desperate for a job I wasn't happy doing. I wanted to make the bargain. So I became someone. An escort. or to put it sophisticatedly a Manhattan Courtesan.
It was Christmas, I was very alone. but I didn't care, what hurt most is that I was used to being alone and alright with it, but I wanted to never feel that way.. and better yet, I dint want anyone else to feel that way either. Thus began my journey of trying to fill out spaces and loneliness in myself and others. My source was Manhattans finest. : CRAIGSLIST.
I felt like a fairy godmother, to grant every desperate, lonely, sad mans wishes.. there were of course, So many windows but so little time..
Mommy Issues.
My mother. The best doctors the world has ever seen, not only with the science and the gift, but a truly dedicated heart for her patients. She was someone. She was a doctor. But the worst parent/mother/wife anyone could wish for.
My childhood was drained short, I grew up too soon, I had to play my own mother. Yes, in a way I do blame her, although we are fine now( and are not close,) but fond of each other.. I will blame her for the rest of my life. Which is unfair I know, part of me says. But the damaged little girl who put on a brave face every time she needed her mother and pretend she doesn't need love blames her. And in a way I don't believe in love anymore. Convenience yes. but love? No.
She was an absent mother, who ran off to treat her ICU patients and attended every ER call. Even on my birthday. More accurately, the last birthday she was there with me was when I was 10 years old. And after that I didn't expect her to be there for me. I was okay with that. But now thinking back,I was just a little girl, it wasn't okay for me to be okay with it. I needed her when a girl needed her mother the most. But she bailed. On me and my father. and my two brothers as well.
The bailing was just the tiniest of the breaks in my life. The worst was seeing my fathers heart break. I don't think I will ever recover from seeing my father, The lion of a strong father break down with a glass on whiskey every weekend, and on a text message I saw one day going through his iPhone to find new apps. On several text messages. All of then which were saved drafts and never sent.
"Im lonely, please come home. I need you.. leave him please. I am your husband. Your my wife I need you.."
I still have clumps down my throat fighting tears as I type. Watching my fathers heart break was the most painful thing I have ever witnessed. I loved him with all my heart, I saw how lonely he was. He loved my mom so much, more than she ever deserved. Much much more. My heart broke watching my mother cuckold my father and betray him and her entire family.
I desperately wished I had another mother. Sometimes I even wished my father would re-marry. Divorce My mom and be happy. But he stayed in the marriage for me. I know that. For a daughter from a broken marriage was always looked as a broken child. The humor in it is, I still am. A broken child.
So why?
If my mother was a Doctor ( and my father is a Physicist ) I didn't need the money for sure? I did, more than ever. I dreaded every penny I got from my mother, and I didn't want to ask from my father. I wanted him to save his money and one day fly away from the wicked witch of the East. Or move out and marry a supermodel.
And yeah. I liked being the one who fixed the broken/sad/lonely Men. Twisted as it may sound. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. I am content with that.
So to those who read on, I hope I am able to share my life.. Open as a book, to every detail and very honest.
The lesson Ive learnt? The bigger picture in life. It may be love. money. or whatever. It never NEVER lasts forever. Love is truly just convenience.
:)
